Little One

Today, you are on my mind, little one. You have been on my mind for many days now and I'm sure for many more to come. No, I don't know you yet. I don't have a clue when you will be here. Right now, you are just a thought...a hope...a wish...a dream.

Some days are easy. Some days are horrible.

I cry at the thought of not getting to meet you. I cry at the thought that you will only be a thought, hope, wish, and dream.

I get angry at myself...what's wrong with me. I get angry at your someday-daddy...he won't love me if I don't get pregnant. I get angry at everyone who has it "easy".

I am sad...

Even with all of that, I don't lose sight of you. Someday, God will bless us with the knowledge of you coming into the world. Trust me, little one, I'm not giving up.

It's that easy, huh?

I have been struggling for almost a week now. It's been frustrating and aggravating -- mostly at myself for not being able to be "stronger" in dealing with this. Over the past week, I've had several new Facebook announcements to weed through on my News Feed. I'm blocking them now, so that I no longer have to watch the millions of comments keep it on my feed. I don't want to do that, but it's really the only way right now to maintain the little bit of sanity I have left in this department.

I know that there are people out there who will tell me or have told me the various cliches associated with infertility -- stop stressing; relax and it'll happen; adopt a kid and then it'll happen. I realize that some of these people are seriously just trying to help and it's the only thing that they can think of, but those statements don't help. They actually frustrate me more...Don't you think I've done the no stress and relaxing at every turn I could? Oh, yeah, adopt a kid that costs the same, if not more, than infertility treatments and then it'll happen? That easy, huh? 

I found this verse today and I need it. I need the reminder that no matter the doctors we have to visit, the tests I have to go through, the number of needles that have to poke and prod...we'll get there eventually with Him on our side...

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." ~Mark 11:24

Why Them and Not Us?

That past two days have been difficult for me. There is nothing "wrong" with me physically -- not counting this whole infertility thing. I'm happy with myself right now (thank you, Netflix, for bringing Gilmore Girls on <-- don't ask). I'm happy and totally in love with my husband. So, why the difficulty?

The reason actually didn't even start or hit me two days ago. I've known for over a week now, but little things add up and it finally really, truly, and heavily hit me two days ago. Hubby is a junior high/high school choir teacher. He is constantly dealing with student drama and somehow hears and sees a lot of it because his students trust him -- which is terrific that they have someone they feel comfortable talking to. One of the FRESHMEN girls, who does not come from a stable home at all nor is she a great kid per se, is pregnant. Let me repeat that, a FRESHMAN in high school.

Now, I'm no stranger to teenage girls being pregnant while in high school. I went to a big 6A school in southwestern Kansas, where there were plenty of girls in my grade and other grades pregnant before graduation or right around then. It's not a big shock that a teen is pregnant. But I was frustrated when Hubby told me, which he didn't want to tell me, but knew he had dealt with his frustrations with the situation and was strong enough to be my solid foundation when I needed to melt.

I thought I was doing okay with this situation, but as it turns out...two days up to now, I'm not okay right now. I'm struggling with this...why is it so easy for these teen girls who do stupid things to get pregnant and we are still over here in no-kid land ready for that life? Hubby told me to remember that God has a plan for us, and though we don't understand the why of the situation with this teenager, we need to remember to continue to pray, have faith, have hope, and keep going with the doctors. Yes, yes, he is absolutely right in this, but sometimes, it's tougher to do that when you cannot see a way out of the situation you are in yet.

I also know that we cannot go to the RE next Wednesday like I had hoped to get the Hubby's SA taken care of. :( He has basketball practice from 9-12 and 1-3. It's an hour drive there and an hour back, and they close at 3. I thought about leaving right at 7, get there right at 8, come back...but then I found out I have cheer practice at 8. So, it's pushed back AGAIN until sometime over Christmas break. The joys of waiting....

Update

Once again, it's been a while. And once again, much is the same. I'll still do my best to proceed with updates since my August writing (and I'll try to do better about writing more frequently). 

We still have yet to get the hubby's SA taken care of. Well, we tried to, I should say. I had to go to the family physician this summer for an ankle situation and while there, my PA said that we could do the SA there. So, we got him in to see her and get the order. We did what we had to do and delivered the sample back to the lab within thirty minutes. Our hopes were soon dashed, as we found out that our local hospital lab only checks to see if vasectomy's work, not do a count. *Pulling hair out*

September was a rough month for me. My Granddad passed away early in the month and I spent a week back home. I held his hand one last time before he left us and then helped with plans and cleaning. I also found out that I have an older half brother (no, I'm not mad at my Mom for not telling me until now). Needless to say, I was stressed and grieving. It was no surprise that I was running late and only had some spotting at that point. Two weeks of only old spotting, led me to take a test at home - BFN. I didn't get my hopes up that time, which was a truly crazy feeling. I just knew that if I ended up calling the doctor, they'd ask if I had done so. I decided to hold off calling until my next cycle and see what happened. 

October came and Day 35 hit on our weekend getaway to OKC (go figure). However, it was another spotting incident and nothing major or new. Toward the end of my second week of this, I finally called the doctor and set up an appointment. They couldn't get me in until my third week of dealing with this, but it was better than nothing. I took off of work to make my trek over to see the nurse practitioner. After seeing the number on the scale (oh boy, it was not pretty), I was pretty defeated sitting in the room by myself. I prayed the entire hour of my drive over, but found myself praying again in the room as I waited 20 minutes alone. As she came in, she talked of what I needed to do and that they could prescribe some medicine to "kick start" a real cycle if I was concerned. I opted for that, but had to leave a sample to make sure I wasn't pregnant. It must have been seeing the doctor, because that evening, I had a full-blown cycle start up...and though I was incredibly grateful for that to start up, I had 8 days of heavy bleeding going on to make up for the lack.

I sit here today, in a similar place that I have been in before. I want to get Hubby over to get the SA taken care of. In fact, I need to call the CRM to see if they will be open next Wednesday and get him over there after basketball practice. I need to work on losing weight, so I spent a good chunk of my Friday afternoon at work last week making up a calendar of workouts that I need to do. I must work on foods and eating habits. And I need to get back to tracking everything. I have fallen off of that horse, as I got tired of months going by and nothing. But I need to do it. I have to do it. And I have to keep trying, keep having faith and hope. 

Short Update

It's been a long time since I posted anything. I'm terrible about that, honestly. But sometimes there are no words to express how things are going because they are exactly the same - it feels like we are stuck. Granted, we had to deal with a broken ankle and weekly x-rays for about two months, so we put this on the back-burner until it was only one medical thing at a time instead of two, especially since it was coming up on a time when my paycheck would be smaller.

So where are we at now?

We are still needing to do the SA. I was hoping to do that before B's busy schedule caught back up to us, but we just haven't had the extra funds to really think about it. (Well, that's not entirely true.) As we get ready for him to be at band camp all day next week and then musical rehearsal in the evenings, I have to think about delivering it to the doctor's office or seeing what it would have to be for him to get it done here instead and send the results where they need to go over in Wichita.

After the SA is still a mystery right now. We first need the SA to see if it's on his end (which I really don't think it is). I know I'll have to do an HSG most likely, so I'm mentally preparing myself for that. Beyond that, I really don't know what to think or expect.

I can say this, some days are easier than others in dealing with it. The ones that aren't as easy are still "winning" out right now. Someday it will get easier...I know God has a plan for us. I'm just still at that point of wanting to know when it's going to happen.

To Maralee...

http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2014/05/to-maralee-who-was-just-diagnosed-with-infertility/

Great letter to read....Just a little something until I have more of an update.

It all began...

Hubby and I got married back in 2007. We had no plans of starting a family right away - I mean, he was still finishing college at the time. Three years later, we were moving to a new town with new jobs. We stopped using protection a couple of months into our new life in the small town, not necessarily paying attention to anything in particular, but hoping it would amount to something. As time went on, I began to suspect that either we were terrible at our timing or something might be "wrong." Nonetheless, we continued with life in our small town. Two years after moving, we picked up for a better opportunity for Hubby. 

Once again, we began life in another small town (not nearly as small as the first one) with new jobs. I had decided I needed to get established with a doctor, but was definitely sure I did not want a male gynecologist. I searched the area and found a Center for Women's Health in a city that was an hour away. Perfect! Staffed by all women, I knew I could feel comfortable there. I set up my yearly exam for October of 2012. As we finished the swab, I began to ask questions about fertility. It had been too long of actively trying -- we'd hit the year mark recently -- and I was getting concerned there was more to it than we could see. This discussion turned into reality the following month when I was asked to start doing a LOT of documenting.

AF joined in and that began my first month of documenting. I woke up to temping and charting that day (and haven't stopped since). Two days later was a very long day...Day 3 testing. Unfortunately, it was all fasting lab work that day and I couldn't get over until the afternoon -- LONG day at work with no food and water only. As the month went on, I was to continue documenting my temperature every morning and write down any changes that I noticed (mood, tenderness, pains, etc.). Day 21 came and I was to go back for another blood sample, this time no fasting required, in order to get a progesterone check. Followed a week later by a Day 28 check/discussion. I found out that my thyroid was OK, my blood glucose was a little on the high side, and that I was definitely not ovulating. OK...not what you want to hear, but at least it's a start, right? Thus began my journey with Clomid.

December brought another month of documentation, Clomid, Day 21 and Day 28 appointments. When I walked in to my Day 28 appointment, I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure how quickly the medicine worked or what the actual appointment entailed. I had to have an exam to make sure there was no swelling and whatnot. It all checked out. We found out that my Day 21 lab showed that the Clomid had worked - I had ovulated. Woo-hoo! I was excited when I left that office. Now was just the waiting game...see if AF showed up again or not. Now...the thing is...I have a longer cycle than 28 days. So I have to wait typically 35 days. So, having to wait two weeks to see if AF was going to come was going to be torture. *I had a friend who had been on Clomid, the 50mg dosage -- same as me, and it worked in two cycles.* AF showed up. I was sad, but so used to it that I don't think the thoughts had had the chance to progress further than "on to another month." 

More documenting, more waiting, a couple of times with the BFN (big fat negative) showing up. It became harder and more difficult every month that passed. I stayed on the 50 mg dosage for three months, only to find out in April that it wasn't working after all. (I had started getting the Day 21 blood work done in my town rather than taking off work to drive to get a blood sample taken...and they hadn't been sending the results to my doctor.) So, we upped the dosage to 100 mg. It didn't work. So in June...we tried 150 mg. As the month went on, I got nervous. My doctor had said that the highest dosage they go is 200 mg before they would send me on to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). As these months had continued on, it became harder to smile through it...harder to be happy for all the announcements that constantly seemed to be coming out of the woodwork (not that I wasn't happy for them)...harder to not cry and be at a giving up point. The news came in July. They decided to take blood while I was at the Day 28 appointment since I have a longer cycle to see. And they found out, it worked! Finally...a dosage that was working and we had a little more ironed out. 

Unfortunately, due to some personal things, we had to take a break for a couple of months. When we started back up, we knew what we were at and could just continue on. We had to repeat the 150 mg dosage and it worked again....one month down. But another month passed with nothing...and then another. Three consecutive months of the medicine working had led us to nothing. Nothing but heartache and tears for me. I'm sure Hubby is frustrated with this situation as well...he can just handle it a whole heck of a lot better than I can. 

We have been referred to an RE in the same city where my doctor is. The next step -- Hubby has to do an SA. If that comes back as A-OK...it's on to an HSG for me. I've got things I need to work on while we wait. I've also got to learn to not let the comments hurt from people who think they are helping...the "Just relax, it'll happen" to the "Adopt and then you'll have one"...all of it hurts. I know it isn't malicious, but if it was that easy, we'd be parents by now. It's a rough journey...a rough road...and a lot of faith and hope and prayers waiting to be answered.

That is how our journey began...